End of a love story

I rarely blog via phone but this time I guess I just need to rant. Just end a call. A call which I do not want to continue. I just felt this is not my year, not my month, not my day. Well, partly because of you. Yeah its my problem. I know it's dangerous to have a knife on my hand but I still chose to use & finally cut on myself, laugh at myself & still use it after. Smart enough? Yes. Why take risk? Caz I think it gonna be worth it. No, I'm so wrong. It's so not worth it caz I risk my happiness. Why still chose? Caz the happiness is so rare, even the unhappy arises I would still chose to be happy. My heart can be as big as _____ ( fill in the blank) when it comes to you. I might just ruined our relationship but Seems like all I did now was wrong. To you. Whatever I did turned into pressure, whatever I did not do turned it to be a wrong. I ruined it by breaking the promises, not even a week & we met, breaking the promises by touching, breaking the promises of not giving enough of space to each other. Should we just stop texting, cut off digi plan , and keep a distance for say a month/two? I wonder. I ponder upon our problem and making the blame on myself. Yet feeling so frusatrated and asking God why do I need to get through all this when what I did was give all of me, thought of you every sec when all I want is for your happiness instead of mine. It's so hard to met a person I slightly have feeling towards, its heartbreaking to see the guy you admired before no longer count on you, it's so hard to have 2 person fall for each other at the same time. I've already lose hope in love, even Imm not in love. Seeing too many couples break up, listen to so many sad stories but I still try to chase and hoping a person whom I think is worth it to be the one. I guess I somehow still think love is beautiful. I somehow change his perspective. I'm glad my words help him to move on after the unhappy incident. If you were to ask me what's the impefection, yes I could tell. If you were to ask me what's nxt, my answer is always, that's okay. Today, I guess I'll change my answer a little. It's kinda confusing/ contradict. I'm not hoping you to hurt me ( ie: stop contacting/meeting w me), thats actually the most ideal way of doing it. It's an extereme but clear cut way. You did not chose this but to stand in the middle, being the neutral guy. No hurt, No hope at the same time. If you're an outsider, you probably give me a roll eye emoji or start giving me a lecture, or even a slap on my face. A harsh reminder today, more of a warning and to me, a challenge. I must wake up everyday and tell myself that all these while the happy memories are of a nice beautiful dream and this is the end of the dream and fairtale stories. Back to work, back to reality, back to a situation with the same character but living a normal lifestyle caz the love part has end. Every story has an end and there goes our story. Time to end. You're awake but Imm not. Today while I type this, I knew I'm back to the harsh reality, a love story has end and lets just treat it as a dream, a perfect love story between the both of us. Goodnight love