After a year

I hate growing up but I got to. Still remember how anxious I felt the day before I start my work a year ago and I wrote this post on my blog. Time flies, right? It's been a year plus. Since then everything has changed. I still remember when was the last time I sat here in the same place writing a blog post. Here today, sitting at the same place with a different person (roti sitting opposite me doing work) , knowing that it won't be the same anymore. How I wish I would know that will be our last time sitting together. Anyway, 

Lets think about it as another new beginning. 

Since I can't change what happened, so I guess the focus needs to go towards healing and comes back stronger than before. Meantime, I will do what I can with what I have, and to where God wants me to be. I just gotta change and renew myself, start with a fresh page, perhaps. 

I thank God for giving me this opportunity to work with this firm. Yes the firm is small and is not a reputable firm like those big firms outside you have heard of. However, I appreciate every opportunity given to me. There can be no denying these experiences would not have been the same if I were to undertake my pupillage at another firm. 

My master: No doubt, he is a workaholic. He reach office as early as 630am and goes back as late as 10pm. He is damn hardworking! So I kinda feel guilty because I am not like him. I have heard a lot of sad stories outside so I am thankful to have him as my master.  He is super patient, he guides me, corrects me and lecture me when it is necessary. He can be very long winded but I know it's all for my own good. I am blessed.  I do not have a big bunch of friends like how big firms works, I had my lunch alone everyday but I kinda enjoy my alone time during work. I guess I've get use to eating lunch alone? Sometimes with senior ever since Lee H has moved here! :) 

On top of that, my legal aid days are one of those days I look forward to. I miss them so much. That was the only chance I get to know more friends and yes, they are one of the true bunch! 

Although I did not enjoy what I did (sometimes), I guess this is not the time to keep complaining. I should suck it up and deal it like a grown up. This is life. Life is tough, no? I kept remind myself to count my blessing instead. 

Remember the almost 6 months nerve wrecking interviews you have been through? It was a nightmare. Appreciate this opportunity because no firms outside willing to take you in, shuling. 

You should remember those truly memorable and unforgettable experience with your master. Remember he gives you a call just to let you know he won the case because you have contributed it? 

Remember the day he brought you out for chocolate desserts on your birthday? 

Remember the last day he treated you before you had your 2 weeks break?

Remember how he apologised because he made you stay to do work?

Remember he told you don't look backward and forget all the nasty interviewers you encountered?
Remember how he acknowledged your handwork and appreciate the effort you put into a piece of work so you feel accomplished? 

Remember he stayed till your mover finishes your speech only he rushed over to his conference? 

You should remember those truly memorable and unforgettable experience with your legal aid mate, with people that you count on during difficult times at work.

Seniors who made calls to you, colleagues who helped and friends outside who understands your busy schedule but still made effort to come over to your place to catch up with you. All these count. You couldn't have done it without any one of them. Remember. 

You should remember how much freedom Daddy and Mummy gave to you 

Look at how much freedom they gave to you. I know. They trusted me so they don't ask who I hang out with. No curfew. Pretty sure they knew about this incident , know what's going on and know him yet they doesn't question much. Yes my pillars of strength from the very beginning. the love, support and belief they have instilled in me are just unconditional. I hope I made them proud! 

CF; 

You definitely played a big part of this. Many might says, oh it doesn't matter anymore but no, in fact, everything matters and relates. You're with me throughout this journey. You and I know. Not anymore I know but yes, you deserve the credit too. Every week I look forward to weekend with you and so I work hard during weekdays. We reward ourselves during weekend. Often Our pictures, Facebook notifications and messages often hit me hard on my face and pierce into my heart but I will be alright.  I am thankful to have you with me throughout this journey. I am sad we had to end up like that because I hope you can still walk with me and we can still stay very close but too bad, even your position has changed. Well, I no longer had the urge to text you anymore and I couldn't be bothered how you are doing. Obviously you are doing well. I secretly wishing that you will ask how am I doing lately but nah. (Forget about it) 

I still dream and miss you every single day that got me messed up a little but I am okay because I know I can't do anything about it. 

I wish you all the best. Thank you for everything fatty. Our memories will always stay. Always. 

Now ShuLing, 

Train your mind to only focus on work while at work. The mask you need to put on, convince yourself to switch on work mode. Emotions and work have to be separated. Nothing can influence your working mode, okay?

Thanks for reading this long and lame post lol. 

Wish me good luck! I sincerely hope I could survive my first year, enjoy the challenges and keep going. Finger crossed! 

Till then, I will try to update my upcoming life! Hopefully more happy post coming up! 

墨尔本之心情

墨尔本：1043

马来西亚：843

你好
今天坐在这里  听着熟悉地个 想着熟悉的人
情绪涌了上来

这一次一个人的旅行
就是要让自己释怀 让过去安静下来
希望回到自己的生活圈  也希望接下来的自己能拥抱更多的未来
那时的我不会痛 也不会痒
想放松 也想反省 提醒自己不要再犯错

旅行了那么多次 看过了许多美景及许多美丽 也踏过下雪的风景
就是从来没有让自己迷失在地图上
这一次的冒险 要让自己彻彻底底的明白 自己的问题有多渺小

今天走在繁忙的街道上 大家都各自有自己星期六夜晚的聚会
而我却有没有方向的走着 这样的说走就走 说停就停 挺好的 不是吗

我这人很矛盾 我害怕寂寞 却享受孤独
一年半后
要习惯一个人 要有多长时间？

有人问我说 怎么样 痊愈了吗？
说真的 还是有思念某些时刻
就这样 暂时只能这样

虽然什么都不想留恋 逞强说自己很好 但我还是尝试 一直都在尝试着
也许这一些复杂的心情 是我想让自己散散心的原因
也是真正旅行的意义吧


继续加油吧
五月天说的
无论是后来的故事怎么了 后来的我们 人生都要精彩着
晚安

These 4 songs.

I guess these songs says it all.

Second letter

Dear self,

I hope you are doing good. 

I knew past week wasn't good. Nightmare after nightmare, all you can do is to stay tough. Accept, acknowledged, move on. 

You're one of a lucky girl, you know who to count on and who loves you, care for you and be there for you. Don't you want to disappoint them? No right?

As the previous letter, keep reminding yourself that there is not much you can do. Suck it up caz you're a grown up. Remind yourself 2 sentences that you read that day, because that is the conclusion after all.  I know you kept thinking about the fact that he has got another girl to look for, you feel sad. You are in pain. Perhaps it's not this girl, there would surely be another girl. The problem isn't with the girl or any girl, it's just not you. 

You can keep sulking but again, give yourself a timeline to sulk. You can't be forever sulking, right? Just a matter of time, I know this is the only space where you can spill out your feeling. Do it, no one gonna read. Only you. or maybe on or two close friends. Reflect on what you wrote. You will be there, not today but eventually. 

Lets see things this way. Consider it as blessing in disguise. The sooner it happens the sooner you gotta end things. The longer it'll be harder. Good start, take it slowly. Baby steps. This is a closure. 

The past week was bad, but it will get better...

 I knew you had a scary dream last week. Violent af.  I know you dream bout him many days in a week. I knew the dream scare the hell out of you. Everything you see in your dream represent different emotions. and stages you are going through. You read the dream interpretation next day and I know you were shocked with the passage. It is not even a general interpretation. But it was so accurate! 

I knew you were having a hard time last week because you had your pe** a week earlier. You were surprise because you were always late for that. Well better than never. Sometimes it's the hormones in our body playing games.

I knew you wanted to go for a jog but you just didn't. Stay healthy for yourself. Try to jog on your own, not so soon but try to pick up jogging again. Try? 

I knew you were counting your days because it feels like forever. 

Made it for 4 days, 5 days, a week and a month. Lets keep the days counting shall we? As the days go by, you are further away from the sorrow. 

Nobody can actually 'help' a person with their inner feelings other than themselves. Thank your toughened up self at the end of the day, because you are the one who is going through all this after all. 

We may have different experience, but different gain different insights. It all depends on how you look at things. Its nothing wrong to be in touch with your true feelings. 

I knew your bioclock is haywired. It will take sometime to back to normal. I knew you woke up at 4am on a weekday and 7am on a weekend feeling sad. Don't worry, it will get better. 

I knew you couldn't focus on work. You deliver shit work and you were asked to redo. You were warned not to repeat the mistakes. You were rushing stuff but you were blur on what you were doing. It's normal. But shuling, not worth it. This is your future. I knew it's hard, but again, try? 

Try to stay calm and work through your things at work. Gotta separate work and emotional setback clearly. Baby steps, learn how to cope.

What does move on means to you? I knew you ask yourself this question everyday, every second and you ask every people that close to your heart. You answer it.
Moving on doesn't mean you will forget the person or the feelings you had. Its a dreadful process, not gonna lie. I guess moving on just simply means that those sad/hurtful pasts will not be affecting your mood and your life. Well, it will definitely affect your decisions, as you know you won't want the characteristics in the new person cause you already know how it will end. You will need to learn to appreciate yourself more and find your truffle in the process. We gotta embrace it, accept the cold hard truth rather than drowning in our own sadness, which is definitely stupid, we have so much more to see and learn from.

Yes, they are your past, but they are whats becoming of you right now, a part of you that can't be removed.
You just gotta hang in there. Though you will find yourself not healing completely, instead you will not feel the need to feel pain in the heart whenever you talk or think about it. Thats the level of moving on, and you need to achieve that.

I knew you try very hard sometimes. A bit too hard. No, don't do that. Now, don't force or expect yourself to heal by when and when. Your mind, your heart and soul will do the job on their own, don't rush. If you feel sad, you feel sad. Don't try to fight it.
You can go through this shu ling, you will just have to stick through it. The feeling will be less intense as the day goes by. Trust yourself.

I knew you always blame yourself. You are not tough, you are fragile. No, you are not fragile. You are strong to admit your feelings. Everyone gone through or will vulnerable in some days, thats what us human. Get in touch with our feelings, and grow from there. I guess this is what growing up is all about. Stick through shits and come out from that pile of shits stronger than ever. 

"Do you sleep well yesterday?Babe, how are you today? I hope you are asleep now. Sleep tight and rest well. Listening to your troubles is really the least I can do. This is what are friends for. "
You knew you have friend like that. What did you do to deserve to people who actually be there for you? Count your blessing, Shuling. You don't need a gang or a bunch of friend, now you know. 1 is enough.
Because you were you, thats why we are here. No bullshits, only true feelings. This is a real friend, right there. You know how blessed to have them?

ShuLing,

You will get through this. You will.
And from today, I will open my heart, and wish him the best.
Because I know, he is relief, now.

From
Tough cookie in you.

给自己的一封信

这一天 到了 这样不寻常的星期一 很少见

还来不及把上次的心情好好记录下来 这一天就来临了

就像暴风雨袭击前的征兆 自己都有预测意识

潇洒的自以为 只要准备一把伞 就不会怎么被淋湿 但万万没想到

这场雨与龙卷风一同袭击 不只想把你淋湿那么简单 也想把你卷走

你也不能怎样

你知道错了 准备这一天的到来 是不够的 你应该做的是搬到一个更安全的地方

所以你必须知道 因为你的决定 因为你的所作所为 才会有你自己今天的下场

书凌，

你好天真 真的好天真  这一年半累积的痛 是这样的 你感受到了吗？为什么你每一次都这样 不是没有个你警告 不是没有提醒你 可是你就是做不到 今天的你状况就是这样－

食物是无味的 笑容是假的 家是不想回的 床是你不想躺 你的心灵是空虚的 身体是累的

工作时是恍惚的

你害怕胃痛所以吃 害怕别人问长问短所以笑 害怕父母担心所以回家 害怕失眠所以害怕入睡 害怕自己乱想所以搞的自己累垮才甘愿 因为你自己知道除了这样子 你毫无选择

心里揪着的痛 只有你自己才能明白 你一直以来自己选择的 现在必须自己负责

你自己知道 你们本来的关系就是这样 没有谁对谁有义务 你会喜欢他 代表别人也会喜欢他

他不喜欢你 代表他会喜欢别人 你明白吗？

更何况他不是你的谁 它拥有权利去寻找自己的幸福 你何必再这样糟蹋堕落下去？这样折腾自己下去 对你又有什么好处？我知道你自己的情绪生活价值观都以他为标准了

你既然已经早已知道会有这么的一天 你就要自己保重 自己跌倒 自己爬起来 自己种的祸 自己承受 是你自己一头栽下去 没有人会同情 会怜悯你的

书凌， 他如果要爱你  他早就爱了 这你应该都知道 对吗？

是时候了 也许是一个可以让你彻底死心的际遇

请你不顾一切地去忘记他 不然 谁也帮不了你 痛苦的会是你自己

也许这是一个机遇 如果没有多一个她的出现 你也不会那么果断

既然都这样了 给自己一个出口 好吗？

你的得失心太重了 人大了 知道自己是这样 就应该要拿得起 放得下

不要以为人家会可怜你 会担心你 没有用的 大家都只是会觉得 你自找的

人家一大早不是告诉过你了吗？ 不喜欢－ 就是不喜欢 人家不是一大早说听了吗？

停就是停  所以书凌 你应该明白自作自受的道理吧

再给你一个温馨提醒 再他还没有完全厌恶你之前 请你到此为止

那一丝回忆 就让他决定 留或不留吧

我看你还是不要相信爱情 你会更开心  经过了这一次 你应该也不敢再碰钉子了吧 乖乖做个上班族 放工回家当个宅女 六日找个姐妹谈谈心 就够了吧

书凌，我明白你现在的心情。你很痛 你很害怕夜晚 你很害怕看手机 你也很害怕打开钱包 你很害怕自己去运动 很多事情你都很害怕去做 对吗？

这个伤痛 会是一个新的开始 相信自己 你要为自己开心 因为终于你有个彻底的了断

你终于逃脱了这段不明朗的关系 就像从监狱里出来一样

不要再想他了 他的事与你一点关系都没有 他已经准备展开新的旅程 开始新的恋情 你继续伤心下去 他也不会理你的

所以 你一定要严加力行 你可以堕落 但不能堕落太久 要爬起来 好吗？

为什么我会说你自找的呢

你明知道自己就是无法自拔 却一直陷下去 我问你，你是位律师 你自己的尊严跑到了哪里？

既然你自己知道会有这样的下场 知道自己的不好 就请你 马上立刻努力改变心态

这种伤痛 没有有人会可怜 没有人会同情你的

不是丧父 不是丧子 没有保障 没有保险 也不会有别人同情 听懂吗？

其实你知道吗  你说了那么多 就是搞不懂一个重点 这一年以来有的问题都不是问题的重点 重点是

他不喜欢你！这么简单容易明白的道理 你都不明白吗？

事实就是很残酷 面对事实很重要

书凌  你可以彻底清醒了吗？  就当作发长开心的梦 醒来了继续生活 偶尔回味一下美梦

真的没有必要继续让自己活在梦里

为了给你自己的尊严一个交代 请你务必快速走出来 做什么也好

加班 运动 去咖啡厅干嘛的 whatever

我郑重的说一次   下次你还是一样写着一种心情 同样的状态  没有人会同情你

因为这种话  我只会说一次  是你需要为自己负责任 懂吗？

请你自重 加油

记得 忘记 

理性的自己 上 

心痛

真的很辛苦




原来
我
真的很爱

失眠的夜 泪水毫无目的的往下掉  


原来
没有你


真的很辛苦

放下

书凌 近来好吗？
 老实说 都不知道怎么回答
有更进的朋友 都懒的多问了 是吧 
时间会冲淡一切 这一些话 谢了
骂醒我的朋友 谢了
关心我的人 谢了
 不知道还能怎样诉说自己的心情


 老实说 我真的非常看不起我自己